Caitlyn
by silentlullabye
Summary: A severe loss leaves Tony numb with grief, and Gibbs doesn't know how to fix it, considering his heart is broken as well. A songfic. Contains mentions of slash, mpreg, and character death. Gibbs/DiNozzo. There is now a sequel: "Sam."


Caitlyn

An NCIS Songfic.

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_Hey Lucy, I remember your name  
__I left a dozen roses on your grave today  
__I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away  
__I just came to talk for a while  
__I got some things I need to say_

**.**

Anthony DiNozzo wakes up every morning numb. He glances at the clock on the bedside table, barely even registering what the red numbers are telling him, and turns away, burrowing back under the blankets.

Every morning, Leroy Jethro Gibbs stands in the doorway of his bedroom and watches his lover complete this ritual. His eyes cloud over with misplaced guilt and helplessness. He gives a heavy sigh, and pulls the door closed behind him as he exits.

It has been almost a month, but nothing has gone back to normal. The Bullpen is deathly quiet without Tony's constant chatter. Ziva and McGee tread around Gibbs lightly, as if walking on eggshells. More often than not, both Ziva and McGee fight over who can go visit Abby in her lab, so as to get away from the depressing cloud that hangs over their office.

Gibbs says even less than usual. Sometimes nothing for hours on end. But Ziva will often catch him staring at Tony's empty desk. She knows better than to mention it. Everyone does.

Even Ducky has distanced himself from Gibbs. He is too quick to spark to anger, and Ducky wants to avoid the outlash. But mostly, Ducky knew Gibbs didn't want to hear what he had to say.

He needs time, Jethro.

If he says he wants to be alone, you need to respect his wishes.

This wasn't your fault. It wasn't his fault. You mustn't blame yourselves.

**.**

_Now that it's over  
__I just wanna hold her  
__I'd give up all the world to see  
__That little piece of heaven looking back at me  
__Now that it's over  
__I just wanna hold her  
__I've gotta live with the choices I made  
__And I can't live with myself today_

**.**

Ducky had gone to visit Tony on several occasions after his release from the hospital. He had watched as both Tony and Gibbs had overseen the burial through their tears. For two such stoic men, it was a stab to the heart for the team to see the silent tears pouring down their cheeks.

Abby had sat with Tony on the first day after his release. Gibbs was terrified that Tony would do something incredibly stupid. He had taken Tony's gun, and had moved his rifle from its drawer to a more secret hiding spot.

Tony had cried for the first few days. Occasionally they were real, loud, heart-breaking cries. But more often they were silent. On the fifth day, the tears had stopped. Only to be replaced by silence. Abby came over again and attempted to entice Tony with conversation, pizza, and a Magnum marathon. He hadn't touched the food, hadn't said a word, and while he looked at the TV he wasn't really watching.

Abby had gone home in defeat.

Gibbs no longer knew what to say to Tony. So he stayed out of the house. He was still on leave, so he entrusted Tony's care to Ziva, McGee, Abby, Ducky, and even Palmer.

He went to the cemetery a lot. Now he had three graves to visit.

There were plenty of people who thought it had been pointless to bury someone so small. But Gibbs had silenced them all with a glare.

He would come home to relieve Tony's guardian and find Tony in the exact same place he had left him. Everyone understood why Gibbs worried about Tony being left on his own, so no one questioned why Tony needed looking after.

Every day, Gibbs would wake up, hoping there would be improvement. This wasn't to say that he, himself, didn't still feel the ache in his chest. But at least he was functioning. It was yet another hurt that he would carry around with him always.

But this extraordinary loss was new to Tony, and he wasn't able to deal with it.

**.**

_Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday  
__They said it'd bring some closure to say your name  
__I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance  
__But all I got are these roses to give  
__And they can't help me make amends_

**.**

After two months, Tony was finally eating normally again. Well, not normal for him, but normal for the average person. He returned to work on a Tuesday morning.

Ziva and McGee had both said careful hellos to him as he walked into the Bullpen. He had nodded to them, keeping his eyes on his feet, as he had shrugged off his backpack and sat at his desk. For the first hour, they were silent. Gibbs had entered several times, but couldn't quite bear to sit at his desk and watch Tony's hands robotically float across his keyboard, so he would leave without saying a word.

McGee missed his friend. Ziva was beginning to miss Tony's awful innuendo-filled jokes. Abby just wanted Tony to say something. Anything. And Ducky knew that, like Gibbs, Tony didn't want to hear what he had to say. Even Palmer missed being called an "Autopsy Gremlin."

For two weeks, they all shared the same routine, each feeling the old camaraderie they had once had slipping away. They had been called out for only one case, and it had been too quickly solved.

But it could only last for so long.

**.**

_Now that it's over  
__I just wanna hold her  
__I'd give up all the world to see  
__That little piece of heaven looking back at me  
__Now that it's over  
__I just wanna hold her  
__I've gotta live with the choices I made  
__And I can't live with myself today_

**.**

Gibbs came into work one Friday morning to find a note saying the Director wanted to see him. Vance had told him, not in so many words, that while a period of mourning was allowed and that losses were greatly sympathized with, there came a time to draw the line. Especially when it was pulling a team apart.

Gibbs had gone home that evening to find Tony in the nursery, sitting on the floor, Indian-style. He knew that in order for him to save Tony's job, he needed to say something. But on the other hand, he understood the horrible ache within.

"Tony?" He stalled in the doorway, watching Tony's face, bathed in moonlight.

"Hmm?" For once, Tony's face seemed almost serene. And as it was a step above what he had been for months now, Gibbs hated to break the spell.

"Tony, we need to talk." Tony turned to face Gibbs, who stepped forward.

"I know. But I don't want to. Just let me… Just let me listen." He closed his eyes. Gibbs was beginning to worry that perhaps Tony had finally gone off the deep end. He eased himself down next to his lover, prepared for whatever Tony would throw at him.

"Listen… to what?"

Tony's head was slowly moving from side to side, as if enjoying a song that only he could hear.

"She's laughing. My Katie is laughing. Can you hear her Jethro?" He opened his eyes and peered at him closely. And he had. Tony had finally lost his mind.

"Tony… Kate isn't here. She died remember? We were both there in the hospital. She was never even really alive. And that isn't your fault, Tony!" He placed his hands on Tony's shoulders and gave them a shake. "It isn't your fault! It isn't anyone's fault! It just…" He paused, Tony's eyes were shining with unshed tears, and Gibbs was unsure how to continue. "Wasn't meant to be."

**.**

_Here we are, now you're in my arms  
__I never wanted anything so bad  
__Here we are, for a brand new start  
__Living the life that we could've had_

**.**

But Tony wasn't crazy. At least he didn't think he was. He was feeling slightly numb, but he could hear the words his lover was saying.

His mind was in the past. Reliving every moment leading up to here and now.

The day he learned about the pregnancy.

Gibbs' face when Tony had told him.

Ziva cooking for him once the morning sickness had stopped having its way with him.

Abby taking him shopping for bigger pants, and then surprising him with baby clothes. The very first ones.

McGee's stunned face when he saw the first sonogram, revealing the little girl nestled within Tony.

That horrible, horrible morning he had woken in a pool of blood.

The faces of the doctors as they told him she was gone.

Gibbs not knowing what to say to him.

People saying how "wasteful" it was to bury some "thing" so small.

The condolence letter sent from NCIS, and a card from Vance's wife.

A month of sobbing, dry heaving, silence.

And now. Sitting in the nursery that still sat unused. Listening to Gibbs.

"Tony? Are you hearing what I'm saying?"

He nodded. But there were no more tears to cry. No more shouts left to holler. No more moments for silence. Time to move forward, however reluctantly.

"I miss her." He spoke so softly that Gibbs almost didn't hear him.

Gibbs was startled. The way Tony had been talking it was as if Kate had been lying in her crib in the corner.

"I know."

**.**

_Me and Lucy walking hand in hand  
__Me and Lucy never wanna end  
__Just another moment in your eyes  
__I'll see you in another life  
__In heaven where we never say goodbye_

**.**

"I can picture what her laugh would be like."

They had moved. Gibbs lay on the hardwood floor, Tony in his arms. It was the most physical contact they had shared since before.

"Can you hear it, Jethro?" And despite not believing in what Abby would call "magic," Gibbs allowed himself one moment to get lost, and hear what Tony heard.

And it was there. A soft, tinkling laughter that filled the air. It reminded him of Kelly, so young and innocent.

"And I see her. I see her life." Gibbs could make out, in his mind's eye, a little girl, no more than three, standing in the middle of the backyard, playing with McGee's dog, Jethro. McGee standing off to the side, playing the faithful babysitter.

"Her first day of school…" A little girl with brown, curly hair, pulled up in two pigtails, bright green eyes, and a smile full of mischief, waving at them from the steps of a school bus.

"Her first bully crushed underneath your boot…" Gibbs smiled heartily while he envisioned himself glaring down at the tiny boy who had hurt his little girl, Ziva at his side smiling her feral smile.

"Becoming a woman and running to Abby because she doesn't want her dads taking her shopping for tampons…" And now even Tony grinned, his first in months, at the vision of a very cheerful Abby explaining to the very uncomfortable pair of them why their daughter had come to her instead of them.

"You answering the door with a shotgun in hand when she goes on her first date…" A pretty reddish-brown haired girl, about sixteen sat on the couch while Gibbs grilled her date and Tony stood in the kitchen laughing silently at him, all the while backing him up 100%.

"Graduating from high school…"

"College…"

"Giving her away at her wedding…" Gibbs was enthralled by the stunning young women in the white dress, arms linked with him on one side and Tony on the other as they walked down the aisle.

"Making us grandparents…" A tiny baby in his arms, as Tony discussed with McGee why he couldn't help edit the video of the birth, despite Tony being a novice at computer editing.

"I see all of it."

"I do too, Tony. I do too."

"I can't explain it, but it's like… like she has lived, you know. My heart doesn't ache like it did before." He burrowed tighter into Gibbs' embrace.

"I don't care what those doctors said, Tony. She will never really die. She's right here." He pressed his hand to Tony's heart. "And she's here to stay. Nothing will change that. Not us moving on with our lives, maybe even having other children." Tony shifted slightly. "I said maybe, Tony. We don't have to have other kids."

"But you like kids."

"Yeah, I do. But that's all up to you. We'll think about it later."

They lay in silence, watching the moon trace across the crib Gibbs had built by hand; the stacks of half-packed boxes, full of baby clothes to take to the DAV, Tony finding it too difficult to keep them.

"I'm sorry I couldn't give her to you, Jethro."

Gibbs stilled.

"Tony, I don't need you to have a kid with me to be happy. I mean… I was ecstatic when I found out we were, but I love you and I the way we are as well. I loved Kelly. I always will love her, but I don't feel the need to replace her. No one ever could. I should know that by three failed marriages trying to replace Shannon. Even if we hadn't…lost Caitlyn, she wouldn't have replaced Kelly. She would have been an addition to my family."

"Our family?"

Gibbs hugged Tony tighter. "Yeah, Tony. Our family."

**.**

_Here we are, now you're in my arms  
__Here we are for a brand new start  
__Got to live with the choices I've made  
__And I can't live with myself today  
__  
__Me and Lucy walking hand in hand  
__Me and Lucy never wanna end  
__Got to live with the choices I've made  
__And I can't live with myself today_

**.**

* * *

Gibbs was surprised Tony had wanted to come with him this morning. It was a cold Saturday morning and considering where he was going, he thought Tony wouldn't dare.

But here they were. They had placed roses out for Shannon, and some daisies for Kelly, but now they stood in front of her grave, neither saying a word.

Tony gently laid a single rose next to the granite headstone.

_Caitlyn Elizabeth Gibbs_

_September 4, 2010_

_Beloved daughter._

They each laid a hand on the gravestone, silently telling her their thoughts.

And then they left. Holding her in their hearts. Never to be forgotten.

**.**

_Hey Lucy, I remember your name_

**.**

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A/N: Probably one of the saddest things I have ever written. But one of my fics that I really quite like. I hope you all liked it as well. Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts. Was it too sad? Too generic? Praise? Positive criticism? I'll take it all.

Yes this was an mpreg fic. I read both and will probably write both. I don't want to get into the actual biology of it because that isn't the focus of this fic.

The song is "Hey Lucy" by Skillet. It really is a sad, sweet, amazing song that I recommend everyone listen to.

**Disclaimer: NCIS is the property of Donald P. Bellisario and Don McGill.**

I hope you all enjoyed and please review!


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